Race Report: 2014 Club XC Nationals "Opportunity over outcome"

"Just because things didn't work out the way you wanted doesn't mean they didn't work out the way God planned.  Be open to change." -Sarah Jakes

I started talking about the opportunity to race at Club Cross Country Nationals months ago, since State College has a great group of women training post-collegiately.  We run together when schedules allow (most are finishing degrees, Masters and PhD programs) and I am currently working full-time for Penn State University.  Lehigh University is only 15 minutes from my parent's house where I grew up in Quakertown, PA.  Seemed like a no-brainer to organize a team and go!

Thankfully we had two sponsors rally behind us, Nittany Valley Running Club & the local running store, Rapid Transit, sponsored our jerseys.

The team consisted of 5 women: Lauren Philbrook (Willams College), Dani Kocjancic (Penn State), Emily Giannotti (Penn State), Bria Edwards (Penn State), and myself (Penn State).  We have a lot of variety in our group with PR's and events ranging from a 2:09 in the 800 to an Olympic Trials Qualifying time in the Marathon from Lauren.  Bria is currently a stand-out Triathlete for Penn State's Triathlon Club and Emily and Dani just finished their seasons with Penn State T&F last spring.

What an amazing group of athletes, but more importantly they are class acts as people.  We have lifted each other up and supported each other this past year while we get to know each other.  I couldn't ask for better training partners and friends.

We were all thankful for the later start on Saturday at 12:45 PM.  This allowed us to get up without an alarm and to relax a little before heading over to the course.

Another fun aspect of this event was seeing so many familiar faces and competitors.  Not only was the Penn State presence overwhelming, but Oiselle had many members and cheerleaders at the event as well!

Going into this event I knew I was taking a gamble.  A week earlier, I was diagnosed with a stress fracture in my sesamoid bone that didn't heal properly in my right foot.  (I was mis-diagnosed a year and a half earlier so I continued to run through the pain).  The healing never took place and with a lack of blood supply to that bone, part of it is now dead (black).  The doctor put off my cortisone shot so that I could run in this event to support my team.  The shot will come on Wednesday and we will go from there with a plan.  I'm hoping that I can run pain-free soon!

Cross country always seems to throw you curve balls.  The course had become muddy from the snow and rain in previous days.  With this factor I decided to take a chance and run with spikes.  I knew the lack of support would be a problem with my foot.  I still took the chance.

My team got out well from the start and I'm thankful for Emily, Dani, and Bria leading the way.  We soon funneled into the straight-away and into the first round of "mud-pits".  The first mile went out fast!  Around 2 miles I stepped wrong and the pain increased with my foot.  Unfortunately I did have to stop a couple times to compose myself and continue running.  I felt great otherwise.  I did finish strong and ended up running around 24:00 minutes for 6k.  My goal was to run sub 23:00, which I knew I was physically capable of doing from recent times in races & training. 

Despite my personal battles, I am beyond proud of my teammates and their finishes!  We placed 19th as a team, which turned out to be in the middle of pack.  Overall it was a successful weekend with a great team!

I can't hold on to this race and how I performed.  What good would that do?  I'm reminded to hold on to nothing, and release everything to God.  Failure is a part of my faith walk.  Obedience is faith.

This is an important lesson in life and it is not easy.  I am thankful for the opportunity to run and despite the pain, to finish a race that I haven't done since 2008.  Sometimes just the experience should be good enough, not the time or the outcome.  I have been tested by injury many times and many times it has gotten the best of my spirit.  I am not going to let an injury break me down this time.

As I've spoken before, this is a season of joyfulness.  I'm going to stick to that plan.

What test are you facing today?  Are you focused more on the outcome than the opportunity?

When the meaning of Christmas changed

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than [ourselves]. (Philippians 2:3)

As Christmas is steadily approaching and expectations are all around, are you asking yourself what Christmas really means?  I am.  And this year is significantly different.

In years past, Christmas and it's entirety was focused on gifts and material things.  Even when I was a kid, my sisters could attest to how grumpy I would get if I received less than they did.  The "stuff" that we receive provides joy for a short amount of time.  Those things don't last, they wear down, they break.

As Eric and I have entered our second year of marriage we have learned many lessons already.  One lesson is being humble and selfless as a partner.  We're also learning the gift of healing.  This will mark our second Christmas together and I'm finding that it is grown into something more special than the last.

I think that Eric and I have found more joy in this season because of it's meaning to us.  Joy that is unspeakable.  After reading a blog on desiringGod.org, The Weight of Christmas Expectations, I found the following passage to nail down how I'm feeling:

So as our celebrations approach, let’s resolve to lay aside the weight and entangling sin (Hebrews 12:1) of selfish Christmas fantasies and look to Jesus,

who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:6–8)

This is the true Christmas spirit. Christ did not grasp; he served. And oh, how he served.
Advent season is the celebration of the unexpected Jesus coming at an unexpected time in an unexpected place to pay the unexpected, unfathomable price to give us unexpecting sinners the undeserved gift of complete forgiveness of sin and unimaginable gift of eternal life.
Christmas is not about fulfilling our holiday expectations. It’s about celebrating Jesus’s overwhelming accomplishment for us and following in his humble servant footsteps.

We're taking ourselves out of Christmas and putting more efforts towards others, like Jesus would.  Finding joy in service is the biggest lesson I'm learning in my life.

Our church, Centre Church, believes in community outreach and I'm honored to be a part of such a mission.  We served the community with 50 trees on Saturday during our Christmas Tree Giveaway.  We provided families with trees free of charge, just some rainy weather & fellowship to go along.  It was an experience that happened quick, considering the trees were gone in 30 minutes, but the impressions that were made are un-breakable. 

The blog also states: The false myth of this Christmas is that if we can get it to look like the whimsical hazy collage in our minds, we will experience the “Christmas spirit” and be happy.

Eric and I have found gifts to be the center of Christmas in our pasts.  Gifts never made us happy.  This year, we won't be buying gifts for each other, but we will be reading, Advent: The Dawning of Indestructible Joy, and spending quality time with each other and our loved ones.

So I am asking you to find the truth in Christmas this season.  Find joy and have it be unspeakable.

Learning to face my disappointment: Rothman Institute 8K Race Report 2014

Disappointment (noun): the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the defeat of one’s hopes or expectations

In order to overcome the feelings that I have been experiencing from Saturday, I want to be real and talk about the power of perspective.

Naturally, I am a tough critic of myself.  I have expectations laid out and reactions to achievement/failure that are natural as a human & woman.  I put a lot of time into training and that is a choice.  I choose to get up early to stretch & lift.  I choose to push my limits to get better.  I choose to put aside money in our budget to pay for races.  And it is also a choice on how I react after the race is over. 

I want to start from the beginning.  Going into the race (Rothman Institute 8k), I was filled with anxiety.  What was I thinking? I've never raced over a 6k, yet alone an 8k.  I experienced some self-doubt and my abilities as a runner.  Training has been going well, but I've been guilty of the comparison trap.  I see so many other runners and their times/training paces and I question my capabilities.  I countered these thoughts with positive ones: this will be great training & I just ran a 3.8 mile relay leg at 5:53 pace, what's one more mile?  The Lord has blessed me with this ability and gift and I want to use it!

The day of the race was cold! We woke up at 5:30AM and got a lift to the race site.  I couldn't feel my face/fingers.  We quickly warmed up and got to the Elite/Seeded heated tent to put on our bibs.  I started to see familiar faces of elite runners: Kerri Gallagher from Oiselle, Rachel Schneider (previous Georgetown runner), & many others!  It was nice to see Tara Murray from our local running group.  She was so supportive and positive!  As they led us into the cold, my mind was numb.  I wasn't nervous, I wasn't ancy, I wasn't anything.  They held us at the start for 15 minutes...the cold sank in further despite wearing the wazelle long sleeve, Oiselle racing jersey, lesley knickers, Zensah compression leg sleeves, light gloves, and my Patagonia hat.  

Side note: I've been dealing with a big toe injury for over a year now.  The pain has increasingly gone down to a point that I am training hard with it.  I credit this with the change in shoe to HOKA ONE ONE's Clifton.  Lightweight, yet supportive.  Most recently I was able to afford another x-ray/MRI and it has shown a stress fracture in the sesamoid bone.  The doctor wasn't sure if it is healing or not, so next comes the MRI.  I wanted to stay positive and race despite hearing this news because I am trusting that it is healing.

As the gun went off, the group took off towards the first stretch and go-around Logan Square before heading out on our out-and-back along the Schuykill River.  The out route is down-hill and the back route is increasingly up-hill.  I stuck with a few women that I knew wanted to go 6:00 min pace, a do-able pace in my mind.  I stayed with them relaxed until we passed the 3 mile marker.  

I can't describe how my legs felt after that because all I felt was pain/tiredness.  They wouldn't respond.  I just kept trucking along through the pain with negative thoughts of wanting to stop.  It was a mental game for me after that point.  1 mile at a time.  It was nice to hear familiar voices cheering (Tara Murray & Oiselle teammates) on the way back.  

Ok, made it to mile 4, less than 1 mile to go!  I kept at the same pace, not responding to other runners up ahead like I usually could.  I wanted to finish, stay strong Megan.  As I crept up the last hill before the finish I pumped my arms vigorously and passed 2 runners.  I picked it up slightly before the finish & sprinted home, 30:49 (6:11 pace overall). Race results.

Soon after the race I was happy & excited that I did indeed finish and it was an automatic PR.  As the day rolled out and I was able to review the results, those feelings of disappointment crept in.  I started to feel that I was capable of so much more, but I didn't execute the plan.  I started to second guess my training and my abilities.  What am I doing wrong?  

I stood back and realized that I was comparing myself to the wrong people.  Elites & Olympic qualifiers are not in the same category as I am.  I wanted to be proud of myself and thankful for this opportunity.  I wanted to be thankful that I finished and thankful that I could make this trip with my husband, and I was proud of him.  We work full-time jobs and manage to fit in full-time training with each other, that is something to brag about.  I know where my strengths are: shorter distances and my speed.  I am continuously working on maintaining faster paces for longer distances, but I'm realizing that it doesn't happen overnight.  

This is the season of thanksgiving, but more importantly thanks-living.  I want to be aware of what I'm capable of and setting realistic goals.  I'm hungry for faster times and placing higher in my division, but I need to be patient.  God's plan is much bigger than my own.  I know my time will come to shine, He is preparing me for something big.  Having a positive perspective will get me through to the finish.  

I've read that, "Sometimes, it takes a painful disappointment to teach us a skill or strengthen our faith or to put us in the right place at the right time. We don’t know His ways or His thoughts. We just have to believe in His promise. Find the good, grab onto it with both hands, and celebrate it. You need to." (Tara Ziegmont)

In conclusion, I am proud of myself of taking a step outside my comfort zone, 2k outside my comfort zone to be exact!  Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone for a goal/dream, even if it means facing disappointment along the way?

An attitude of gratitude

grat·i·tude

ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

noun: gratitude

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

"she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support"

synonyms:

gratefulness, thankfulness, thanks, appreciation, indebtedness

A common word with a bold meaning.  What does gratitude really look like?  Do I possess such an attitude?

An email sent from my mom about gratitude made me put on my thinking cap today.  As Thanksgiving approaches, am I practicing gratitude in my life?  What we intend to do (act/say) doesn't always come out the way we want.  I had a feeling that I needed to do some more research on this attitude and myself.

As I continue to grow as a woman (in faith, in maturity, in knowledge, in running, etc.) I am blessed by the other women that surround me and mentor me.  You cannot grow without being mentored by someone that a) is more knowledgeable in that subject, b) wiser, and c) gone through a similar experience.  I've found that I am not scared of asking for advice or direction.  

Something that I'm working on is being positive through bad circumstances and blessing others.  Starting small and making a difference locally is something we all can do.  I may not be able to change the world, but on a smaller scale I can make a positive impact on one person. 

This is where gratitude comes into play.  I have read that, "A grateful attitude in itself introduces an elevation of mood. When I see my circumstances through the lens of a grateful mind-set instead of the "I'm not getting what I want" mind-set, I feel better; I even have the potential to be happy in spite of circumstances." (Women of Faith)

In order to develop this attitude, why not start small? Start a list of those small things that you're grateful for, even if they're silly!  For example: That my husband put the seat down. He he.  Celebrating the small victories are just as rewarding as the big victories.  Make a commitment to check your attitude daily.  Am I grateful for what I have today?  Big or small.

Robert Emmons, perhaps the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, argues that gratitude has two key components.

“First,” he writes, “it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received.”
In the second part of gratitude, he explains, “we recognize that the sources of this goodness are outside of ourselves. … We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.”

What are some of the outcomes of practicing an attitude of gratitude?

• Brings happiness
• Strengthens relationships
• Promotes forgiveness

Some other ways that you can cultivate gratitude:

• Keep a gratitude journal
• Write a gratitude letter
• Teach gratitude to others, teach your children
• Recognize the positives

Take this 20 question gratitude quiz, based on a scale developed by psychologists Mitchel Adler and Nancy Fagley.  See where you stand & make a change!

Love/hate relationship with myself

Self-esteem is a term used in sociology and psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. (Wikapedia)

I've seen a recent blog by Stephanie Marie on Self Love Rituals, and it made me think... How much do you love yourself, Megan?

Simple question, complex answer.  I will say that #selflove is something I strive for and something that I want to represent to girls/students that I mentor.  Yet, it is a constant battle and life hasn't been easy in the area of self esteem for me. 

Unfortunately, I was bullied in middle school...I was the tall, big-footed, skinny girl with braces and I didn't go through a day without being called, "Crazy Hu" or having my books checked.  I was never picked to slow-dance at formals, but I was picked for their kick ball team.  This was confusing to me.  I slouched to hid my tall-ness and I put everything into athletics.  My self-esteem at that point exuded frustration and hurt, but I hid it well.  

Then came high school.  More teasing for being flat-chested, but I was a stellar athlete at my high school, how does that work?  I remained strong and confident in athletics, but deep down I was hurt by words. 

By the time I got to college I started to realize that boys did like me and I liked that attention.  I guess I would fill the void in my life with pointless relationships (some abusive in nature) to find my worth.  Was I truly happy?  At this point, collegiate track and field was also taking it's toll on my self-esteem.  I was considered just a number on a team full of talent and that threw me for a loop.  Plagued by surgery and injuries, I never reached my collegiate running potential.  I still regret that till this day.  My joy for running was sucked out of me, it became a chore and business.  Self-esteem...pretty low.

The two things that I found worth in were unreliable and materialistic.  Self-worth found in talents/gifts & people don't get you anywhere.  Self-worth comes from hope and joy in something greater, something within yourself.

The cycle continued as I searched for a purpose in life, even though I claimed to be a Christian, I was compromising what a Christian was to me.  I filled my life with running/over-training to escape my low self-esteem.  I tried to find the "perfect guy" to feel better about myself.  Don't get me wrong, these things can be a healthy part of your life, but I was using them to contribute to my self-worth.  I had some high moments (PR's & a bf), but once the lows came (injury & being dumped) I found myself in a low place.

Finally, I hit rock bottom.  I cried out for answers and my faith was all I had.  That was it! Why was I searching for "things" to make me happy with myself?  All I needed was hope and joy and the promises that Christ gives us. 

Life made a turn for the better, I finally believed that a past of brokeness/lack of self-esteem could be mended.  I am constantly making mistakes, but I know I have a purpose and I am wonderfully made. 

In this world we will battle negativity in our lives (bullying, stereotypes, comparison, etc.).  But making the choice to not rely on "things" to make you worthy is an important lesson in self-esteem.  Nurture those around you with positivity and encouragement, especially the girls in your life.  Young girls are already going through a roller-coaster with puberty and then they are hit with negative things against their self-esteem.  Build them up, allow them to fly!

(Always #LikeAGirl video)

Breaking chains, taking names

A big reason why I love being a part of Oiselle, is the transparency and variety of women that are on the team.  We all bring something different to the table, but there are also a lot of similarities.

Reading other women's stories is not only inspirational, but most times I find someone that I can relate to in what I'm going through, even if it is Kara Goucher or Lauren Fleshman (some of the elite runners).

My willingness to share openly about struggles and chains is for the good of healing.  I call it, having power over the past & gaining courage for the future.  The test is part of your testimony, so why not share!  I value the stories that other women share from their past.  For me, becoming transparent hasn't been easy.  I think I was afraid of judgement and what other people would think.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  I felt alone.   

Once I started sharing and opening up all the negativity went away.  If I can be an inspiration to someone else, my story is worth sharing.  Chains have been broken and labels have been torn down in my life.  I am not a failure, I am not a race time (constant battle coming back from an injury), I am so much more as a woman.

What chain/label do you need to break today?

Wilson Phillips-Hold On

What's in a number?

The power of numbers/a number is more significant than we think.

Example: Age, salary, race time, etc.

To me these are prime examples where perspective can be negative or positive, depending on how you look at it.

Limitations, stereotypes, and other negative thoughts can creep in when we focus on a number. 

For example, there are doubters/critics when age is thrown in the mix for a runner, specifically a female.  Also, depending on your time and results in races, negative connotation will follow.

On another note, the larger the salary, the better you are, right?!

All of things are relative and the power of perspective is important in the world that we live in.  My suggestion/tip is to learn what's behind that number.  

In the world of running, I've found that age is just a number and that hard work is a powerful thing.  Hard work and determination can transform any situation into a success story. 

I've also learned that a race result can be negative depending on how you look at it.

For example: My good friend, Meredith, just competed in her 2nd Half IRONMAN event!  She also works a full-time job in NYC and continues to train full-time.  Talk about balance.  This second race proved to be a challenge mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Her back acted up during the swim (not the best place to start) and various other things went wrong, but she finished!  Her story inspires me.  If you just looked at her time would you know her story?  Probably not!

And for me, my latest 5k I ran a 19:23.  And that is not my best time, by far.  Some would call that slow... What you may not know is that after battling a toe injury for a year, anemia for months, being sick the week before, and the race ended up being 3.19, I am proud of that result and finishing overall female.

You see, sometimes it's learning the story behind the number because we tend to judge otherwise.  We even judge ourselves.

I've thoroughly enjoyed learning all the stories of my friends, athletes, and teammates on Oiselle.  They inspire me because they have stories, they have a perspective.  They have come a long way.  Those are the stories behind the number.