Learning to face my disappointment: Rothman Institute 8K Race Report 2014

Disappointment (noun): the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the defeat of one’s hopes or expectations

In order to overcome the feelings that I have been experiencing from Saturday, I want to be real and talk about the power of perspective.

Naturally, I am a tough critic of myself.  I have expectations laid out and reactions to achievement/failure that are natural as a human & woman.  I put a lot of time into training and that is a choice.  I choose to get up early to stretch & lift.  I choose to push my limits to get better.  I choose to put aside money in our budget to pay for races.  And it is also a choice on how I react after the race is over. 

I want to start from the beginning.  Going into the race (Rothman Institute 8k), I was filled with anxiety.  What was I thinking? I've never raced over a 6k, yet alone an 8k.  I experienced some self-doubt and my abilities as a runner.  Training has been going well, but I've been guilty of the comparison trap.  I see so many other runners and their times/training paces and I question my capabilities.  I countered these thoughts with positive ones: this will be great training & I just ran a 3.8 mile relay leg at 5:53 pace, what's one more mile?  The Lord has blessed me with this ability and gift and I want to use it!

The day of the race was cold! We woke up at 5:30AM and got a lift to the race site.  I couldn't feel my face/fingers.  We quickly warmed up and got to the Elite/Seeded heated tent to put on our bibs.  I started to see familiar faces of elite runners: Kerri Gallagher from Oiselle, Rachel Schneider (previous Georgetown runner), & many others!  It was nice to see Tara Murray from our local running group.  She was so supportive and positive!  As they led us into the cold, my mind was numb.  I wasn't nervous, I wasn't ancy, I wasn't anything.  They held us at the start for 15 minutes...the cold sank in further despite wearing the wazelle long sleeve, Oiselle racing jersey, lesley knickers, Zensah compression leg sleeves, light gloves, and my Patagonia hat.  

Side note: I've been dealing with a big toe injury for over a year now.  The pain has increasingly gone down to a point that I am training hard with it.  I credit this with the change in shoe to HOKA ONE ONE's Clifton.  Lightweight, yet supportive.  Most recently I was able to afford another x-ray/MRI and it has shown a stress fracture in the sesamoid bone.  The doctor wasn't sure if it is healing or not, so next comes the MRI.  I wanted to stay positive and race despite hearing this news because I am trusting that it is healing.

As the gun went off, the group took off towards the first stretch and go-around Logan Square before heading out on our out-and-back along the Schuykill River.  The out route is down-hill and the back route is increasingly up-hill.  I stuck with a few women that I knew wanted to go 6:00 min pace, a do-able pace in my mind.  I stayed with them relaxed until we passed the 3 mile marker.  

I can't describe how my legs felt after that because all I felt was pain/tiredness.  They wouldn't respond.  I just kept trucking along through the pain with negative thoughts of wanting to stop.  It was a mental game for me after that point.  1 mile at a time.  It was nice to hear familiar voices cheering (Tara Murray & Oiselle teammates) on the way back.  

Ok, made it to mile 4, less than 1 mile to go!  I kept at the same pace, not responding to other runners up ahead like I usually could.  I wanted to finish, stay strong Megan.  As I crept up the last hill before the finish I pumped my arms vigorously and passed 2 runners.  I picked it up slightly before the finish & sprinted home, 30:49 (6:11 pace overall). Race results.

Soon after the race I was happy & excited that I did indeed finish and it was an automatic PR.  As the day rolled out and I was able to review the results, those feelings of disappointment crept in.  I started to feel that I was capable of so much more, but I didn't execute the plan.  I started to second guess my training and my abilities.  What am I doing wrong?  

I stood back and realized that I was comparing myself to the wrong people.  Elites & Olympic qualifiers are not in the same category as I am.  I wanted to be proud of myself and thankful for this opportunity.  I wanted to be thankful that I finished and thankful that I could make this trip with my husband, and I was proud of him.  We work full-time jobs and manage to fit in full-time training with each other, that is something to brag about.  I know where my strengths are: shorter distances and my speed.  I am continuously working on maintaining faster paces for longer distances, but I'm realizing that it doesn't happen overnight.  

This is the season of thanksgiving, but more importantly thanks-living.  I want to be aware of what I'm capable of and setting realistic goals.  I'm hungry for faster times and placing higher in my division, but I need to be patient.  God's plan is much bigger than my own.  I know my time will come to shine, He is preparing me for something big.  Having a positive perspective will get me through to the finish.  

I've read that, "Sometimes, it takes a painful disappointment to teach us a skill or strengthen our faith or to put us in the right place at the right time. We don’t know His ways or His thoughts. We just have to believe in His promise. Find the good, grab onto it with both hands, and celebrate it. You need to." (Tara Ziegmont)

In conclusion, I am proud of myself of taking a step outside my comfort zone, 2k outside my comfort zone to be exact!  Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone for a goal/dream, even if it means facing disappointment along the way?

An attitude of gratitude

grat·i·tude

ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

noun: gratitude

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

"she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support"

synonyms:

gratefulness, thankfulness, thanks, appreciation, indebtedness

A common word with a bold meaning.  What does gratitude really look like?  Do I possess such an attitude?

An email sent from my mom about gratitude made me put on my thinking cap today.  As Thanksgiving approaches, am I practicing gratitude in my life?  What we intend to do (act/say) doesn't always come out the way we want.  I had a feeling that I needed to do some more research on this attitude and myself.

As I continue to grow as a woman (in faith, in maturity, in knowledge, in running, etc.) I am blessed by the other women that surround me and mentor me.  You cannot grow without being mentored by someone that a) is more knowledgeable in that subject, b) wiser, and c) gone through a similar experience.  I've found that I am not scared of asking for advice or direction.  

Something that I'm working on is being positive through bad circumstances and blessing others.  Starting small and making a difference locally is something we all can do.  I may not be able to change the world, but on a smaller scale I can make a positive impact on one person. 

This is where gratitude comes into play.  I have read that, "A grateful attitude in itself introduces an elevation of mood. When I see my circumstances through the lens of a grateful mind-set instead of the "I'm not getting what I want" mind-set, I feel better; I even have the potential to be happy in spite of circumstances." (Women of Faith)

In order to develop this attitude, why not start small? Start a list of those small things that you're grateful for, even if they're silly!  For example: That my husband put the seat down. He he.  Celebrating the small victories are just as rewarding as the big victories.  Make a commitment to check your attitude daily.  Am I grateful for what I have today?  Big or small.

Robert Emmons, perhaps the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, argues that gratitude has two key components.

“First,” he writes, “it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received.”
In the second part of gratitude, he explains, “we recognize that the sources of this goodness are outside of ourselves. … We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.”

What are some of the outcomes of practicing an attitude of gratitude?

• Brings happiness
• Strengthens relationships
• Promotes forgiveness

Some other ways that you can cultivate gratitude:

• Keep a gratitude journal
• Write a gratitude letter
• Teach gratitude to others, teach your children
• Recognize the positives

Take this 20 question gratitude quiz, based on a scale developed by psychologists Mitchel Adler and Nancy Fagley.  See where you stand & make a change!

Love/hate relationship with myself

Self-esteem is a term used in sociology and psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. (Wikapedia)

I've seen a recent blog by Stephanie Marie on Self Love Rituals, and it made me think... How much do you love yourself, Megan?

Simple question, complex answer.  I will say that #selflove is something I strive for and something that I want to represent to girls/students that I mentor.  Yet, it is a constant battle and life hasn't been easy in the area of self esteem for me. 

Unfortunately, I was bullied in middle school...I was the tall, big-footed, skinny girl with braces and I didn't go through a day without being called, "Crazy Hu" or having my books checked.  I was never picked to slow-dance at formals, but I was picked for their kick ball team.  This was confusing to me.  I slouched to hid my tall-ness and I put everything into athletics.  My self-esteem at that point exuded frustration and hurt, but I hid it well.  

Then came high school.  More teasing for being flat-chested, but I was a stellar athlete at my high school, how does that work?  I remained strong and confident in athletics, but deep down I was hurt by words. 

By the time I got to college I started to realize that boys did like me and I liked that attention.  I guess I would fill the void in my life with pointless relationships (some abusive in nature) to find my worth.  Was I truly happy?  At this point, collegiate track and field was also taking it's toll on my self-esteem.  I was considered just a number on a team full of talent and that threw me for a loop.  Plagued by surgery and injuries, I never reached my collegiate running potential.  I still regret that till this day.  My joy for running was sucked out of me, it became a chore and business.  Self-esteem...pretty low.

The two things that I found worth in were unreliable and materialistic.  Self-worth found in talents/gifts & people don't get you anywhere.  Self-worth comes from hope and joy in something greater, something within yourself.

The cycle continued as I searched for a purpose in life, even though I claimed to be a Christian, I was compromising what a Christian was to me.  I filled my life with running/over-training to escape my low self-esteem.  I tried to find the "perfect guy" to feel better about myself.  Don't get me wrong, these things can be a healthy part of your life, but I was using them to contribute to my self-worth.  I had some high moments (PR's & a bf), but once the lows came (injury & being dumped) I found myself in a low place.

Finally, I hit rock bottom.  I cried out for answers and my faith was all I had.  That was it! Why was I searching for "things" to make me happy with myself?  All I needed was hope and joy and the promises that Christ gives us. 

Life made a turn for the better, I finally believed that a past of brokeness/lack of self-esteem could be mended.  I am constantly making mistakes, but I know I have a purpose and I am wonderfully made. 

In this world we will battle negativity in our lives (bullying, stereotypes, comparison, etc.).  But making the choice to not rely on "things" to make you worthy is an important lesson in self-esteem.  Nurture those around you with positivity and encouragement, especially the girls in your life.  Young girls are already going through a roller-coaster with puberty and then they are hit with negative things against their self-esteem.  Build them up, allow them to fly!

(Always #LikeAGirl video)

Breaking chains, taking names

A big reason why I love being a part of Oiselle, is the transparency and variety of women that are on the team.  We all bring something different to the table, but there are also a lot of similarities.

Reading other women's stories is not only inspirational, but most times I find someone that I can relate to in what I'm going through, even if it is Kara Goucher or Lauren Fleshman (some of the elite runners).

My willingness to share openly about struggles and chains is for the good of healing.  I call it, having power over the past & gaining courage for the future.  The test is part of your testimony, so why not share!  I value the stories that other women share from their past.  For me, becoming transparent hasn't been easy.  I think I was afraid of judgement and what other people would think.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  I felt alone.   

Once I started sharing and opening up all the negativity went away.  If I can be an inspiration to someone else, my story is worth sharing.  Chains have been broken and labels have been torn down in my life.  I am not a failure, I am not a race time (constant battle coming back from an injury), I am so much more as a woman.

What chain/label do you need to break today?

Wilson Phillips-Hold On

What's in a number?

The power of numbers/a number is more significant than we think.

Example: Age, salary, race time, etc.

To me these are prime examples where perspective can be negative or positive, depending on how you look at it.

Limitations, stereotypes, and other negative thoughts can creep in when we focus on a number. 

For example, there are doubters/critics when age is thrown in the mix for a runner, specifically a female.  Also, depending on your time and results in races, negative connotation will follow.

On another note, the larger the salary, the better you are, right?!

All of things are relative and the power of perspective is important in the world that we live in.  My suggestion/tip is to learn what's behind that number.  

In the world of running, I've found that age is just a number and that hard work is a powerful thing.  Hard work and determination can transform any situation into a success story. 

I've also learned that a race result can be negative depending on how you look at it.

For example: My good friend, Meredith, just competed in her 2nd Half IRONMAN event!  She also works a full-time job in NYC and continues to train full-time.  Talk about balance.  This second race proved to be a challenge mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Her back acted up during the swim (not the best place to start) and various other things went wrong, but she finished!  Her story inspires me.  If you just looked at her time would you know her story?  Probably not!

And for me, my latest 5k I ran a 19:23.  And that is not my best time, by far.  Some would call that slow... What you may not know is that after battling a toe injury for a year, anemia for months, being sick the week before, and the race ended up being 3.19, I am proud of that result and finishing overall female.

You see, sometimes it's learning the story behind the number because we tend to judge otherwise.  We even judge ourselves.

I've thoroughly enjoyed learning all the stories of my friends, athletes, and teammates on Oiselle.  They inspire me because they have stories, they have a perspective.  They have come a long way.  Those are the stories behind the number.   

There IS TEAM in I

Hmmm...I bet you're wondering if I got that saying mixed up...

I've been away from blogging for some time and I wanted to come right out and count my blessings.  I cannot be who I am without my "team" surrounding me, I cannot conquer feats and downfalls without my "team".  So who is my team you ask?  My team is bigger than most teams & they surround me with love.

Without a team surrounding you, I've found it impossible to get through the trials and tribulations that life throws us.  My Couch to 5K women showed me humbleness when I was injured and that "showing up" even when I don't want to is important and it changed my perspective.

My family has shown me complete patience through really hard times and financial burdens.  But they are persistent in their faith and their trust in God's timing, which is ALWAYS perfect.  My sisters are my soul-mates, together forever, thick and thin.

My new family, the Marshalls...what can I say, they're my new set of parents and siblings that are close and a strong support system for Eric and I.  They're always in our corner, mentoring and supporting us!

My DC group, my girls!  Never a dull moment!  Even through hard times, I manage to laugh with you.  You've never judged me and accepted my past as a part of my story.

My church, my extended family.  Never a dull moment here as well with our ruthless and hilarious leader.  The transparency and the community outreach is something that sets us apart.  We're weird and that is AWESOME :) Thank you for giving me the chance to use my spiritual gifts and a chance to shine.

All my friends, near and far, from different times in my life...you are what gives my life flavor.  You all have made life sweeter and I hope to spice up yours as well.

Oiselle, you have given me a chance to find myself again and given me a larger support system on all levels.  Your belief in your athletes and what you stand for inspires me every day.  The women that represent Oiselle, do it in style and great taste.  They are real and are relateable to runners on all levels.  This support is portrayed in a recent post by Sally Bergesen, the fearless leader.

"The insanely dedicated. The embattled fighter. The athlete who knows everything counts because everything’s at stake. And we pull for them. Because they believe in their potential just as we hope to believe in our own."

Last but not least, Eric...my training partner, my cheerleader, my friend, my husband, my love.  You will always be on my team.  You have felt my pain and defeat through some rough times this year.  Injuries and other ailments can get the best of you, but you were always there encouraging me, on my A Team.

The lesson I keep learning in life...Give it your all & make the right choice!

Gwen Smith says, "It all begins with a choice. If we want to be women of impact, we need to live with our eyes wide open to God-opportunities."

So what do you do once you establish a strong team? You choose to go for it!  I am more fearless now than I ever was, even if I am a late bloomer.  Am I too old to PR, am I too old to fight for the win?  NO!  Age is just a number and I'm training with fire.

Who is on your team today?

Draw a crazy picture

“Draw a crazy picture,
Write a nutty poem,
Sing a mumble-gumble song,
Whistle through your comb.
Do a loony-goony dance
'Cross the kitchen floor,
Put something silly in the world
That ain't been there before.”
― Shel Silverstein

Do you ever feel different? I know how it feels to stick out...to be tall with big feet.  Unfortunately, being "me" didn't feel good in middle school.  I was often bullied by males and I lacked self-esteem.  I found strength when I played sports, that was an outlet where I could stick out in a good way.  I often slouched next to boys, to be less-tall.  Isn't it funny that being tall is seen as a strength?!  It's unfortunate that bullying still goes on today.

Through the years I've developed an attitude of fearlessness.  I'm still scared of many things, but I'm certainly not afraid of being ME.  I've changed a lot in respects of maturity and knowledge, but I am still the same silly person as I was in my youth.  This attributes to an amazing family that has always kept humor in our forefront.  This attributes to great friends that always compliment me as a person and never try to change me.  And finally, a great husband, that is fearfully and wonderfully made, that puts up with my short-comings and brings out my strengths.  These are the people you need to surround yourself with on earth.

Sharon Jaynes says, "I believe the dream to be beautiful is not cultural, but at the very core of womanhood.  John Eldredge, in his book Wild at Heart, describes three longings that lie at the heart of every man: a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue, and adventure to live. He also ventures to say that women have three longings of the heart as well: to be fought for, to share in an adventure, and to have her beauty unveiled."

He also ventures to say that women have three longings of the heart as well: to be fought for, to share in an adventure, and to have her beauty unveiled. - See more at: http://www.1160hope.com/devotionals/11712671/#sthash.V8V0BT6y.dpuf

When did the pressures develop in women, to be chased or do the chasing, or to be "rescued"?  I am not a damsel in distress, much like fairy-tales present.  We are magnificent creatures made uniquely & wonderfully by God.  On that note, let's take a comedic break with Jim Gaffigan talking about how amazing women are!

 “But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat 

Back on a more serious note... be the masterpiece you were created to be!  Don't compare yourself!  We are all bigger & better than the bully we went up against and we're stronger than we think. 

What is one feature of your magnificent being that you are most thankful for today?

I'm thankful for my long legs, to run fast! ROAR!

I believe the dream to be beautiful is not cultural, but at the very core of womanhood. John Eldredge, in his book Wild at Heart, describes three longings that lie at the heart of every man: a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue, an adventure to live. - See more at: http://www.1160hope.com/devotionals/11712671/#sthash.V8V0BT6y.dpuf