Love/hate relationship with myself

Self-esteem is a term used in sociology and psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. (Wikapedia)

I've seen a recent blog by Stephanie Marie on Self Love Rituals, and it made me think... How much do you love yourself, Megan?

Simple question, complex answer.  I will say that #selflove is something I strive for and something that I want to represent to girls/students that I mentor.  Yet, it is a constant battle and life hasn't been easy in the area of self esteem for me. 

Unfortunately, I was bullied in middle school...I was the tall, big-footed, skinny girl with braces and I didn't go through a day without being called, "Crazy Hu" or having my books checked.  I was never picked to slow-dance at formals, but I was picked for their kick ball team.  This was confusing to me.  I slouched to hid my tall-ness and I put everything into athletics.  My self-esteem at that point exuded frustration and hurt, but I hid it well.  

Then came high school.  More teasing for being flat-chested, but I was a stellar athlete at my high school, how does that work?  I remained strong and confident in athletics, but deep down I was hurt by words. 

By the time I got to college I started to realize that boys did like me and I liked that attention.  I guess I would fill the void in my life with pointless relationships (some abusive in nature) to find my worth.  Was I truly happy?  At this point, collegiate track and field was also taking it's toll on my self-esteem.  I was considered just a number on a team full of talent and that threw me for a loop.  Plagued by surgery and injuries, I never reached my collegiate running potential.  I still regret that till this day.  My joy for running was sucked out of me, it became a chore and business.  Self-esteem...pretty low.

The two things that I found worth in were unreliable and materialistic.  Self-worth found in talents/gifts & people don't get you anywhere.  Self-worth comes from hope and joy in something greater, something within yourself.

The cycle continued as I searched for a purpose in life, even though I claimed to be a Christian, I was compromising what a Christian was to me.  I filled my life with running/over-training to escape my low self-esteem.  I tried to find the "perfect guy" to feel better about myself.  Don't get me wrong, these things can be a healthy part of your life, but I was using them to contribute to my self-worth.  I had some high moments (PR's & a bf), but once the lows came (injury & being dumped) I found myself in a low place.

Finally, I hit rock bottom.  I cried out for answers and my faith was all I had.  That was it! Why was I searching for "things" to make me happy with myself?  All I needed was hope and joy and the promises that Christ gives us. 

Life made a turn for the better, I finally believed that a past of brokeness/lack of self-esteem could be mended.  I am constantly making mistakes, but I know I have a purpose and I am wonderfully made. 

In this world we will battle negativity in our lives (bullying, stereotypes, comparison, etc.).  But making the choice to not rely on "things" to make you worthy is an important lesson in self-esteem.  Nurture those around you with positivity and encouragement, especially the girls in your life.  Young girls are already going through a roller-coaster with puberty and then they are hit with negative things against their self-esteem.  Build them up, allow them to fly!

(Always #LikeAGirl video)

Breaking chains, taking names

A big reason why I love being a part of Oiselle, is the transparency and variety of women that are on the team.  We all bring something different to the table, but there are also a lot of similarities.

Reading other women's stories is not only inspirational, but most times I find someone that I can relate to in what I'm going through, even if it is Kara Goucher or Lauren Fleshman (some of the elite runners).

My willingness to share openly about struggles and chains is for the good of healing.  I call it, having power over the past & gaining courage for the future.  The test is part of your testimony, so why not share!  I value the stories that other women share from their past.  For me, becoming transparent hasn't been easy.  I think I was afraid of judgement and what other people would think.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  I felt alone.   

Once I started sharing and opening up all the negativity went away.  If I can be an inspiration to someone else, my story is worth sharing.  Chains have been broken and labels have been torn down in my life.  I am not a failure, I am not a race time (constant battle coming back from an injury), I am so much more as a woman.

What chain/label do you need to break today?

Wilson Phillips-Hold On