Fermata

Being married for 2+ years doesn’t seem like a long time.  Eric and I only dated for 6 months before we got married.  Some would call us crazy.  Some would call us stupid.  I would call it adventurous and we found love on God’s terms.  I would call our 2+ years victorious!  2015 allowed me to step outside of my comfort zone.  Within my marriage and within myself.

You see, what I’ve realized and learned in 2 years, many people don’t in 10 or 20 years.  I’ve realized that we’re instruments and our song has already been orchestrated.  We’re invested in our song and the whole picture.  It's hard.  It requires work, patience, and trust, but it's worth it.  

Our song thus far has been made up of many things.  There are crescendos and decrescendos.  We had to repeat sections after learning from each other.  And we pause or fermata (indicating that the note should be prolonged beyond it’s normal duration or note value & it is held up to the discretion of the performer or conductor).  This grand pause reminds me that this song or note is meant to be played for eternity.

We each have our own song.  My notes have been off-key in the past.  I couldn’t get the beat right.  We've all been broken. 

Cue Eric and his entrance into my song.  Perfect timing, God’s timing.  As a whole piece, it has come together beautifully and is continuously unfolding. 

Oh, I'm on your side
Hey, I'm on your side

Always hold true
I will always stay with you
Yeah, you always hold true
I will always stay with you

~Learn To Love (Needtobreathe)

FORGET Regret

I feel like one day I woke up and I was 29.  Where has the time gone?  What happened to that fiery girl from Quakertown that was fearless when it came to races?  Ugh, and that race last last weekend.  And that DNF…disappointing, check.  Frustrating, check.  Big question mark because I thought I had solid training, check.  Bummed.  But I need to move on, learn my lesson, and count my blessings. 

The time that I’ve taken to sulk and complain can surely add up in my past.  Regrets and bad decisions  can surely add up as well.  A race that lasts under 5 minutes or 3 miles shouldn’t take up hours & days of my time to be down about.  I am well aware that wisdom doesn’t come overnight & that a changed attitude/outlook can make something crappy into an unseen opportunity.  But why is that so hard to grasp?!

I often get asked what I’m training for and what my end goal is with running.  I should know that answer, shouldn’t I? Honestly, do I have to have an answer?  Can’t I just be doing this for myself?  After years of doubts, insecurities, and regrets about what I could’ve been as a collegiate runner, I threw that out the window.  I threw the expectations and times and short-comings out the window.  Why?  Because they’ve ruined me for too long.  They’ve ruined my passion.  They’ve ruined my joy.  They’ve ruined my self-esteem.  They’ve ruined my whole-self, when in reality running is just ONE of my gifts God has given me.

Just in the past year I’ve learned more than I’ve known in years before.  That’s what can happen when you let go of regrets and expectations.  When you learn to love running again.  When you learn to love food again.  When you’re healthy from the inside-out.  When I can love my husband more and more, because I love myself. 

Keep it in perspective.  Oh the power of perspective.  Look at the big picture & your whole self, not just one race or one assignment.  How are you going to learn from that one experience?  You can sit and sulk and fall backwards OR you can evaluate the whole picture and what you can do better moving forward. 

In the end, I’ve tried my best & yes I've failed, but that's not my label.  Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  That is the whole truth and the only truth I need to know.  Those labels don't have to define who I am.  And that one race isn’t worth it if I didn’t learn anything. 

In efforts to move beyond any setbacks and striving to be my best, I'm going to start journaling, thanks to a good friend's birthday gift, I'm Doing My Best.  

"The key to moving beyond setbacks in your quest for self-improvement is resilience.  Take stock, correct the problem, learn from it, and keep moving.  Psychology Today puts it clearly: There are some common traits among individuals who quickly move past failure and indeed benefit from it.  They are able to step back and evaluate their failure...They do not become paralyzed by their failed experience."

The power of our scars

"Each scar represents a moment in time or a passage of time when something happened to us or through us, which we will never forget.  We receive scars in one of two ways: what has been done to us by other people or what has been done through us by our own mistakes and failures. Either way, I believe that scars are not something that we need to hide or be ashamed of, but rather an invitation to share the healing power of Jesus Christ with a hurting world. For a scar, by its very definition, implies healing." -Sharon Jaynes

Scars often have a story behind them.  Whether it be an accident, a clumsy fall, surgery, or a painful experience, they mean something to us.  There are also emotional scars that we carry with us.  A break-up, a fight, a lost loved one.  In both cases, we don't need to hide them.  Our stories are meant to be shared.

For me, not only do I have emotional scars, but physical as well.  I'm working on a project with an amazing group of women to thwart the "thin ideal" and issues on body image at Penn State University, specifically in athletics.  The misconception that I've experienced is that because I'm thin I don't have body image issues.  False.  There is no set criteria to experience a negative self-image.  Change starts now.  

I love the saying: "pain into purpose, messes into your message, and your hurt into hope".

Stories behind the Scar: 28 Women Tell the Truth

What scars have changed your life?  Are you willing to share your story to make a change and help someone else? 

Perfectionism: Fighting my worst enemy.

Perfectionism is an idol that chains you to yourself-and blinds you to the waiting embrace of Gospel Grace. Grace lets those whose messes and wounds are many-simply see Jesus and Him only. (Ann Voskamp)

When does perfectionism start? When does it invade our thinking? Why do I strive to be perfect/flawless to those around me?

These are all questions that I'm asking myself after reflecting on some anxiety that has come after a fast that I did this month.  You see, perfectionism and the root of it's evil, has been plotting seeds since I was young.  Self-doubts came at an early age, mostly in athletics (striving to be stronger, faster, better) & from being bullied.  Hence why I wanted to be something/somebody I'm not.  If we aren't what someone else wants us to be we can change and strive to be perfect right? Move in perfectionism.

I will point out that perfectionism can be present in one or multiple areas of your life.  We all compare ourselves to what the world thinks is "best".  The best mom, the best athlete, the best friend, the best wife...You get the picture.  Why can't we strive to do our best in the roles that we play?  We  judge ourselves based on others and that's not fair, it's not realistic.

In order to get past perfectionism we must fight self-doubt with hope and negative thoughts with positive affirmations.  We must build upon what we're good at: our gifts and our strengths.  We must build self-confidence.  But sometimes it isn't easy.  Sometimes you need more than words.  Support  and counseling are needed to re-build what has been lost.  Personally, I had to get to a vulnerable state where I was able to ask for help.  Where I was able to share and have freedom of the perfectionism that I face.

"We live in a competitive world. The pressures to be thin, beautiful, fit, smart, sexy, funny, rich, and popular trap us in a relentless vise-grip.  You don’t need to be a model or a gymnast to get trapped in a disorder or an addictive lifestyle. You could be a college student, a businesswoman, a nurse, a mom, a dance instructor, a retail clerk, or a Sunday school teacher.

No one is exempt. Feelings of inadequacy and inferiority ravage hearts of Christians and non-Christians alike.

Our attempts to measure up are all-consuming traps. They focus our attention inward verses upward.  When we get caught in the trap of striving to measure up, we focus on ourselves. That was never God’s plan. We were designed to focus on Him. Shifting our attention from ourselves to God will change our perspective.

God longs for our obsession to be Him." (Measuring Up-Gwen Smith)

As I fight the lies of perfectionism I found a useful article on, The Love Dare, by Bonnie Gray.

The Love Dare:
Whenever I get to a fork in the road between my fears and faith, I dare to:
1)  Stop making decisions based on three things: fear of failure, mistakes or others’ opinions of me.
2) Take the step that reflects only one thing: God’s unconditional love for me.
The Love Dare is based on this key verse:
“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5b

The seasons of life: the good, the bad, the ugly (preparing your heart for all of them) becoming a seasoned woman

In this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to get by
In this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to shine (NeedtoBreathe-Wasteland)

Lessons learned, life is hard.  Sometimes I want to give up, sometimes I want to scream and shout and say, this isn't fair! And other times life is amazing and I take for granted what I've been given.  This includes mistakes, regrets, fears, and failures.  All of these things: the good, the bad, the ugly have made me into a seasoned woman.  But it wasn't easy getting there.

I can't remember the first time I made a mistake or the first time life was hard.  In a world filled with sin, these are learned naturally.  We are human.  There is a cost for every decision we make in life.  And a seasoned woman recently taught me to accept the things I cannot change & "it is what it is".  Did I have the same perspective growing up as I do now?  Probably not.  Did I prepare for seasons of turmoil and hurt the same as I prepared for seasons of joy?  Probably not.  These are valuable lessons that only age, time, and faith can allow you to learn.

I am 29.  Does that still qualify me as a "young woman"?  Sometimes I can tell that I'm getting older: napping is a must, early bed-time, recovery from workouts takes longer, I can live in sweatpants and slippers, and I'd much rather choose a night in rather than going out.  These are the things in my head that I've associated with getting older.  But along with these silly things, I've noticed a change in my heart.

Honestly, I remember being stubborn and moody.  I remember letting stupid things get to me.  I remember being critical and thinking that it was the end of the world if a guy didn't date me or if I wasn't married by now.  Looking back, even just a few years I've realized that these are the things that can swallow my essence of joy.  These are the things that can harden my heart.  I know now that having joy through all circumstances can change the outcome.

The difference in the way that I look at the good, the bad, the ugly is not only different, but the way that I react to these seasons is different.  Having a solid foundation and preparation for these times is important as a woman.  Have I been broken? Yes.  Have I fallen down?  Yes.  Have I encountered trials? Yes, just yesterday...But instead of wallowing in these things that are only temporary, I've accepted them as a part of the whole plan.  They've not only changed my views, but changed me. 

Let me take a second to go over what seasoned means when used as a verb:

9. to heighten or improve the flavor of (food) by adding condiments, spices, herbs, or the like.  

10. to give relish or a certain character to

11. to mature, ripen, or condition by exposure to suitable conditions or treatment:

I can attest that with the good, the bad, the ugly, also comes maturity and character building.  I'm definitely not who I once was.  But I'm also thankful for the things that I've been brought through.  By no means am I a perfect woman, far from it.  But I am real and I want to be a catalyst of growth and forward-thinking.  I want to show others that a road-block is not the end, it's simply an opportunity for growth. 

Look around you.  Find women that can provide mentor-ship and growth in your life.  Surround yourself with the seasoned.  Throw some spice in your life.  

My mom, my mentor.

Fight or Flight

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
― Thomas A. Edison

The stories of failure before success are numerous.  You will find that most influential people have failed numerous times before making a break-through.  Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, J.K. Rowlings, and Walt Disney are named on 1000 Days of Inspiration as being successful after failing.

I think all of us have failed in some way.  The TEDx Talk, The Skill of Self Confidence, by Dr. Ivan Joseph, AD & coach at Ryerson University, explains how to get through failure.  Even more so, how to learn self confidence.

In the past I have bailed when faced with adversity.  When I started playing soccer and was goalie, that first goal that went in, I quit.  We learn at such a young age to give up or stick with it.  I ended up sticking with soccer and playing through high school. 

So we have this choice to make...Fight or flight.  Another saying that we've heard is that diamonds are made under pressure. 

There are 3 things that Dr. Joseph teaches that we can do to learn and practice self-confidence.

1) Don't accept no for an answer, persist.persist.persist.

• Practice and hard work and influential in self-confidence
• Persistence allows us to build skills and character

2) Positive self-talk

•  We already hear enough negativity around us, why tell ourselves more negative thoughts about ourselves
• Get away from people that tear you down
• Thoughts turn into actions, negative thoughts trump action
• Will you believe those negative thoughts?
• Re-affirm yourself (You are the captain of your ship)
• Practice: Write a letter to yourself (A brag sheet, what are you proud of) and read it when you're navigating a storm
• Catch the good, praise positive behavior

 3) Interpret feedback a certain way

• No one will believe in you unless you do

I will end on a poem that embodies what it means to persist through life's storms.

Try Try Again

by T. H. Palmer

'Tis a lesson you should heed, If at first you don't succeed, Try, try again; Then your courage should appear, For if you will persevere, You will conquer, never fear Try, try again; Once or twice, though you should fail, If you would at last prevail, Try, try again; If we strive, 'tis no disgrace Though we do not win the race; What should you do in the case? Try, try again If you find your task is hard, Time will bring you your reward, Try, try again All that other folks can do, Why, with patience, should not you? Only keep this rule in view: Try, try again.